I missed last night's Blog Crawl. But I really do have an excuse:
Say hello to Grandchild # 5! Please excuse the expression on her face; she had a long, hard day.

I had the same expression on my face by the time I got home last night. I couldn't get a really good picture like I wanted to, because this child has eight grandparents, and I literally shoved two other grandmothers out of the way to get this shot.

My husband got this the other day in an e-mail. I must be doing something wrong.

"Calories burned during sex!" .......

It has been known for many years that sex was good exercise, but until now nobody had made a scientific study of the caloric content of different sexual activities. Now after "original and proprietary" research they are proud to present the results.

REMOVING HER CLOTHES:

With her consent.................................12 Calories
Without her consent...........................2,187 Calories

OPENING HER BRA:

With both hands.................................. 8 Calories
With one hand....................................12 Calories
With your teeth.................................485 Calories

PUTTING ON A CONDOM:

With an erection..................................6 Calories
Without an erection...........................3,315 Calories

POSITIONS:

Missionary.......................................12 Calories
69 lying down................ ...... ..............78 Calories
69 standing up..................................812 Calories Wheelbarrow.....................................216 Calories
Doggy Style.....................................326 Calories
Italian chandelier............................2,912 Calories

ORGASMS:

Real............................................112 Calories
Fake..........................................1,315 Calories

POST ORGASM:

Lying in bed hugging.............................18 Calories
Getting up immediately...........................36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately...816 Calories

GETTING A SECOND ERECTION: If you are:

20-29 years......................................36 Calories
30-39 years......................................80 Calories
40-49 years.....................................124 Calories
50-59 years...................................1,972 Calories
60-69 years............ ...... .................7,916 Calories
70 and over........................Results are still pending

DRESSING AFTERWARDS

Calmly...........................................32 Calories
In a hurry.......................................98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door..........5,218 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door..........13,521 Calories

Results may vary.

One of the "joys" of summer has to be red wasps. They scare the devil out of me. And put a little boost in my step, if you know what I mean. I've had my fair share of stings, and don't hanker for more.
We usually keep a close eye out for the things and destroy any nest we find. I'm learning to ignore them in the garden as T-Bird says "if you don't bother them, they won't bother you."
What, in the mind of stinging insects, constitutes being "bothered"? Is it the fact that humans breathe? Is that a "bother" to them? Is living within a five-mile radius of their nest a "bother"?

I had an encounter with them two summers ago. I was minding my own business, watering my flowers. I went to turn off the water, and leaned against a window shutter. When I walked off I turned my head just in time to see the red devils swarming out from under the shutter. How in the world do they build a nest behind shutters that are flush against the side of a trailer????????? Talk about engineering.
Yes. I screamed like a girl and ran for it. And my feet slipped in the wet grass. And I fell. And the little ***** stung me twice. I was up on my feet in a flash and running at full speed for the back door, screaming for my son and my husband to help me. I pulled off my shirt as I was going up the steps, thinking the wasps would come off with the shirt. I slung the shirt and nearly tore the door off of the hinges when I barreled thru it, in my bra.
There was my husband and my son, sitting in the living room, watching t.v., and wondering what set off the obvious psychosis. I don't usually run around in broad daylight without my clothes. The neighbors stare at you after a thing like that.
I told 'em what happened and asked why they refused to come help me when they heard me screaming. My son says; "I thought I heard something!" Much like his step-father, when he hears a female voice, his mind shuts it out.

Now T-Bird has had a turn and blood has been spilled.
He has a shed out back where he keeps man-type things. Not a place for chicks. Which is the whole point, I guess. All of his buds have a man-shed. It's where they go to avoid their wives or girlfriends, without leaving the yard. Better to avoid the shed-where-man-things-are-kept. Trust me on this one.
While doing guy things to his truck he found another wasp nest. It was behind a board about a foot over his head and when he went for an air hose or something he pissed 'em off. When he saw them coming, he ducked his head low and turned to flee the shed. And smacked his head on his tire-changer.
The tire-changer is a heavy duty piece of equipment comprised of a very heavy stand with a car rim affixed to it. It has no "give" in it whatsoever. If you hit it, it does not move.
He hit his head right above the eye, and creased the brow, splitting the skin.
I heard him stagger into the bathroom, and went to see what he was doing. Very nasty cut about an inch long, and a mild concussion. I patched him up, and I hope he forgives the way I shaved his eyebrow!
Not one single sting. Not one!
But it does not matter, no sir! When he got his act together he went back outside to wage war. I saw him walk by with a homemade torch that was once my mop. It reminded me of those old black-n-white movies where the villagers are carrying torches up to the castle in order to burn it to the ground and destroy either Dracula or the mad scientist dude. I have learned to stay out of the way. I asked him later if he felt better. He said he would burn the shed to the ground if he had to, but the wasps were history.
If the bugs are not on the nest when you set it ablaze, they live to sting another day. So while he was painting on his truck, he noticed a few of them returning to the nest, which is now an ash. He sprayed them with the spray paint he was using. If it isn't burned to a crisp, it is either flat black or a sparkly-type black. And it is very dead.

Sometimes T-Bird walks the yard on fire ant patrol. Sometimes it's weed patrol. Now we can add wasp patrol. But he needs the exercise, in case he has to run again.

I am now the owner of a "honey-on-the-hip".

A Tracfone.

Have mercy.

Bossling complained once that when we went out of town he had no way to reach us. Well...........DUH! That's the point of getting away for a weekend, isn't it? So I have balked at having a cell phone or Blackberry, or ANY device that helps people "reach out and touch" me.
I've never felt the need for a cell phone for a "status" symbol. No status, no need for the symbol.
A phone is not a fashion accessory. Wal-Mart sells earrings for that.
But with elderly parents and a daughter about to give birth, and a car that may or may not crank, depending on it's mood, I gave in to the tracfone idea. Simple, cheap, no contracts or monthly bill. All I had to do was threaten them gently about burnin' up my minutes for chit-chat.
But our regular phone was the source for amusement yesterday.
I checked the caller I.D. when the phone rang, but the name didn't ring a bell. Since T-Bird is hoping for a call about another job, I went ahead and answered it.
The caller asked to speak to T.. I explained that he was at work, but I was his wife and would gladly take a message.
He sounded completely confused, and stated that T. was supposed to do some things for him, and that he would talk to him later. I got the idea he didn't want to talk to me. He still didn't want to leave any message, so we hung up.
I told T. about it when he got home, and he said he would call the man the next day.

So T-Bird picked up the phone when it rang last night. He talked to the caller for about five minutes and just busted out laughin'.
It was a buddy from the airport. This buddy has a daughter who is dating a man with the same first name as my husband. Both men are listed by just their first name on his cell phone.
He thought he had called his daughter's boyfriend, so he was really confused by the wife that answered the phone, since the boyfriend was supposed to be divorced. When he told HIS wife about the other wife on the phone she was confused as well, and they started to wonder about their daughter's boyfriend. And they didn't know what they should do. Do they tell their daughter that her boyfriend is a two-faced jerk, or let her find out on her own? Do they confront him? Do they do some snooping?
Thankfully, they just kept quiet and then discovered that there were TWO men with that same first name on the cell phone. So the buddy called back and tested the waters to see just which man he had called in the first place. All is well again!

When Ex and I were together, I had a very pleasant conversation with a man I didn't know. About 15 minutes worth.
Caller: "Where's your old man at?"
Me: "He's sitting in a deer stand somewhere."
Caller: "Well, what are you up to?"
Me: "Cookin' dinner and chasing the kids."
We talked for a good bit, and I thought it was someone I knew until he asked if I was Katie. Nope. He said I sounded like his friend's wife, and since it was deer season, it made sense that his friend would be hunting, and it made sense that his wife would be at home with the kids, cooking. We laughed about it, thanked each other for the conversation, and hung up.

I'm guessing "Katie" didn't have much going on in her life either!

I had a brother-in-law who worked for the railroad as a dispatcher. A woman called and asked him when a particular employee would be coming in on the train. He gave her the info. He later realized that he had told her the wrong time, and, trying to be a good guy, he called the man's house and told the wife that he had been mistaken and had given her the wrong time when she called. My father was standing there when bro-in-law hung up. He was the color of cotton. The wife had told him she had not called the yard office. And she was not happy.

Ooops!